After a long and difficult year we are finally feeling the sun shine on us and the difficulties slowly moving past.

We were granted a modification of our loan. We made our first mortgage payment and we have managed to save up for at least two more during the modification period.

I am gainfully employed and thank God each and every day for that. I love my job. It is not ideally located geographically, but I am NOT complaining. It is exactly what we needed, exactly when we needed it.

My husband is still struggling to find a way to contribute. We are having some “couple” issues as a result. But in the end I’m confident we can move through these issues as well. We have made it through a great deal so far, and we are all the more strong for it. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

I thank God everyday for my family, my home, my job and my life. I know we went through so much, but in retrospect, I believe we needed to.

I will never take my life for granted. I know the value of the things that matter – and the cheapness of the things that do not. Seeing the happiness in the eyes of my children as I can provide them a simple cookie or piece of fruit now is reward enough. Last year we struggled to just keep the house warm enough so they didn’t get sick.

I can only tell people my story. Maybe others have to live it to understand the value of what is in their lives.  But this life altering experience has taught me to walk with God. It might teach others something different – but I do hope it is all positive.

I do not anticipate posting much since I truly believe we are stable. I want to thank all of you for all your support, concern and suggestions. Just knowing you were there made a world of difference to me and my family.

While I have some bad news – I am not overall feeling bad to qualify my post.

We applied for the loan modification and while it continues, we received a letter from the attorney representing the “private investor” on our mortgage – they set an auction date. They obviously aren’t interested in modifications.

We likely will lose the house even though our excess income each month above expenses is 3 times the mortgage payment. It appears banks just don’t have any desire to work with homeowners despite our change in status and income. They are not just giant machines who produce form letters that take away the homes of loving, money earning families.

That said other areas of our life are turning a corner. Businesses are doing exceptionally well. My new job is terrific – the company is so wonderful. Never have I been so happy.

I’ve found my faith and kept it. While I won’t bible thump here – it has brought peace and focus, something the stress was taking from me each day.

What is important to me in my life is back and I cherish it. I will never again take anything for granted.

So I guess we lose a house – not our home. My home is where my family is.

But a word to the wise – stop living on credit. Get the cash flowing and cut up the cards. Buy a house you can afford and cars that are used. Smile.

I wish nothing but peace for everyone. Life is a lot more than the things we own – that is for sure. For in this case – I never know I didn’t really own anything!

It has been a while since I posted mostly because I felt I was saying the same things over and over again. But also because I was going through a transformation.

While I do not pretend to believe my path is right for everyone – it is the one I took and it lead me to the wonderful news I have for you.

I HAVE A NEW JOB!

I finally found a great job – not anywhere near home but we will make it work. Executive level – who could have thought that possible in this economy.

We are 15 days from our house being put on sale. We hope we have enough time now to put things back on track.

I truly believe finding my faith did it. I was never religious, I did the token Sunday school as a child. Got married in a church. Nothing too orthodox that is for sure. But in January I felt myself very much at a cross roads.

My husband and I watched a movie and it made us question if it was possible to prosper in the way we needed to financially and still be ‘good’ people. Did we have to act like Madoff to get ahead in business? In life? At the time I will admit – I was very unsure of our answer.

Then I met a woman who changed my life. She invited me to be a part of a group of women who found their faith as well. Women I could trust – and it had been a long time, if ever, I felt I could really trust another woman. If you recall a woman lying about me is how I got myself into this financial situation to begin with.

The topic we discussed first was forgiveness. I was struck by what that really means. In the end it means you not only do not wish the person who caused you pain harm. You actually wish that they prosper and achieve their goals. Just as you wish to achieve yours. 

This cascaded into realizing what truly was important in life. That the goals we grow up with thinking will make us happy – fortune, possibly fame, being uniquely known, partying, owning fancy things – is just not what makes people happy. It is how we live our lives. Sounds so trite but I actually “get” it now.

I just mention all this because I think it really let me let go. I stopped trying to push this huge boulder into the direction *I* wanted to go. I just let my life go where it was going to go. Put my faith in someone higher and bigger than me. And the relief I felt was unbelievable.

In the end it lead me to a job, and now we are finding financial peace of mind. We may still lose the house but it is just a house to me now. All those thoughts I had so far back in this journey are gone. I didn’t work all my life for this house – I worked all my life for my family. To feed them, keep them warm and safe. Not to have the biggest, best house on the block.

At the end of the day I now want to figure out a non-profit that will help people find the peace I have. I want to start an agency that places people in jobs who are either out on the street already or have a foreclosure statement in their hands. I think we as a country need to start prioritizing those who can’t even find a bed at night and find them jobs first. I just feel I need to give back the way so many have helped us find our way.

If you are interested please respond to my blog post and I plan on coming up with a new blog that we can figure out how to make their lives better. We all deserve a helping hand no matter our faith.

FINALLY a post I can be uplifting about. It has been a long hard road, but I know why I’ve been on it and I’m not about to doubt it ever again.

In the past few weeks I have found my faith. I never was much for religion in my past – I did go to church as a child and we have gone now and then as adults. But I guess I felt my “scientific” side colliding directly with my religion and I never could sort the two out.

This past year has made me realize that I had to. That I need faith of some kind, in something, or I would shrivel up and die. Literally.

I found a friend – she has faith – and she reminded me of what that means. She invited me to a book club – the topic was religious. I think this was the first time I was in a group of women and I didn’t feel like someone was trying to “use” me in some way, or be mean, or some other negative feeling. They were all genuine, heartfelt, and really there for each other honestly.

It made me so warm and comforted that ever since that day I have just “let it go”. All my pain with the choices I’ve made, all the fear of losing my assets, and all the stress trying to keep our ship afloat – gone.

I’m smiling again. I’m feeling there is sunshine in the sky and it is kissing my cheeks again. I’m playing with my children honestly – not because I know I have to. I am feeling love like I used to for my husband and everyone in my life.

In return God has given me so much that I never expected. We are holding on to the house so far – by a thread – but it is still ours. The businesses are doing good – not great – but I keep getting business without really trying! THAT has never happened before!

We started a non-profit which will be my true calling. It will revolutionize the world – but due to anonymity I can’t tell you what it is – just yet. Someday maybe. We are meeting with a Senator from Washington to discuss it with him. That is how great it is going!

I cannot tell you how peaceful I am. I just do not worry about things anymore. I described my new way of being like this: I am no longer pushing my future around, I’m letting it take me where I should be going.

Just like swimming against the current gets you no where, my previous lack of faith in what God wants for me was taking me no where. I do not think everyone has to find religion to find their way – but I do know you need to have faith in something. My husband is still struggling but I do believe I have faith enough for all of us.

So for the first time in a very long time I’m optimistic that we will find our way. With or without our home, with or without the shirt on my back, our new non-profit will deliver so much to so many I cannot tell you how much focusing on that has made all the difference in my life.

As in 2008 I had hoped to have at least one uplifting post one of these days. Alas that isn’t today so much!

We made it through the holidays by the skin of our teeth. The kids got toys from “Toys for Tots” which I kinda felt bad about since all my life I’ve been the donor – not the done. But in tough times I have to just go with it and give them the Christmas they so deserve.

I told my family no Christmas this year outside of us giving those toys to the kids. It was so hard since so many had helped us – I felt like a heel. But I guess in light of things I’m sure they felt we were being responsible which is a better use of any money or time they have given us.

Things have progressively gotten worse if that is possible. The house was almost up for sale but they lender decided to give us “kind of ” a break this month. They just took what was overdue and spread it over the next 5 months. So February we will be back to being on the no-pay list.

We have nothing coming in – all the deals we keep getting signed, or even feeling hopeful about, are being pushed of or canceled. Even those we thought were no brainers. Today you cannot rely on anything until someone pays you – even a signed deal is meaningless these days. I guess we are part of those that signed and didn’t pay if you look at my mortgage so I can’t say too much!

We are on the job hunt, I have a lawyer friend who has been trying to help me get a job too pulling strings, getting us some inside tracks. Nothing. Even with a heavy hitter like her we still are at a standstill in that area.

I applied for a job that was PERFECT – 1 hour from my home. I mean PERFECT. The recruiter wrote me and said that because I was not within a 45 minute radius for a commute they would not consider me. No relocation, whether I paid or not, would be considered either. Period.

OMG? Are you serious? It was like the twilight zone. I could tell in the email he was equally frustrated with his client. Such is how it goes.

We didn’t end up listing the house for one reason. If we list we need to “fix it up” to sell it at about 30% reduced price (due to the renovations we didn’t complete). Instead we have them foreclose and take all that we can out of it with us – and let them deal with it. I’m so done helping my bank make tons of money off of me when I don’t even have heat.

Oh – that is my update. We ran out of oil today. The normal vendor we owe money to for a service they did last Spring so we can’t call them. So we call around and everyone wants to do a credit check even if we offer cash. So – no heat – weeeeeee. Brrrr I mean.

It is about 30 degrees or less right now. We are using our propane fireplace – turning it on and off – until we find a solution. Soon we’ll be burning the wood for the renovations Kidding of course – we have no fireplace that isn’t gas.

I just am out of tears, out of hope, and out of my mind. I never for a million years thought it would last this long. Then I saw a History Channel episode on the Great Dust Bowl. Talk about eye opening.

What those people went through and survived is without words. I knew there was an “issue” back then, but I had really no idea how truly horrible it was for them. After watching that I thought to myself it could be much worse.

2009 is an enigma to me right now. I hope that by December I”ll be telling you all about our businesses and how they are the fast growing in the US. Or that I got my dream job helped us recover completely and I couldn’t be happier in my new role.

If any of you have any leads for business looking to be more efficient, or needing marketing help, or technology, please let me know. I would appreciate also just keeping us in your prayers….K

I spoke to a friend of mine this week and he renewed my commitment to God – probably just in time. Things are going south again as if it is even possible.

A client of ours owes us money, we stopped providing the service after many weeks of letting him know it was eminently ending. When it ended he tried to sue us to continue to provide it for free.

Now our ex-employee is also threatening us with false things and lawsuits simply because he is mad we didn’t succeed and keep him employed. Meanwhile our house is once again being foreclosed and we have nothing to our name.

We have yet to turn on the heat – we are in the north so it is very cold this time of year. We simply can’t afford it. We are running out of gas to cook with – so we just don’t anymore.

People keep telling us to claim bankruptcy but if we do we a) can’t ever start another company and hope to get any kind of loans, or b) get a job since they won’t hire people who are bankrupt.

So I pray that all of you pray for us. And anyone with any kind of a job that we can do over the Internet – we are computer geniuses – please let us know. If you are in New England and have a job – please give me  your email. I will wait tables, teach, babysit, anything. My days of only being an executive are completely over. I simply need to feed my family and keep our home.
God bless you all.

I couldn’t believe it the other day when my husband and I came face to face at work, smiling. We caught ourselves in that moment and said to each other: “Are things getting better finally?”

I can’t help thinking they are – but worrying I’m premature in feeling that way. And that I might jinx the whole thing even entertaining a thought about being okay. But we both feel like we are doing much better.

One area that is better is the business. We have no employees now – not even babysitters – and we therefore have cut our expenses as far as we can and still remain in business. We employ them as independent contractors now since we do not need them full time. When the need arises, we will reinstate them. If they are still available – we know the risks.

But for now it has given us the breathing room we need. We were able to pay the mortgage this month. I’m still pinching myself that we are getting back on track. We also figured out how to get sales into our pipeline more easily. We always new it was about networking – except I think everyone needs to figure out how to work that for themselves. There is nothing you can read in a book to help you with that I don’t feel. Maybe later I’ll write a book on it – kidding.

So for now I feel a breath of fresh air coming through our doors. I paid my daughters tuition for pre-school – in cash no less. Amazing. We still owe a bunch of creditors a bunch of money but we were able to go on hardship for now and get lower interest rates and work out some deals for most of them. Capital One would be the worst – they simply don’t care in my opinion. Don’t recommend getting THAT card.

Anyway – I had to post while the feeling was positive. I’m working on a response to a request for quote and if we win it, and we have  great shot at it, it could be worth the entire amount of revenue we brought in this year. So what I mean to say is – it is a big one.

Therefore I must get back to working on it. Woke up early to be sure we can submit this on time. I’m excited and elated we are turning the ship around. I just hope there are no more rocks in the riverbed to rip the bottom out and send us back to the beginning again. I do hope we reached rock bottom and are seeing the end to this turbulent time.

And on a side note – I cannot wait for January 21st.

I wish it was because I won a year’s supply of electricity – or they were handing out new electric cars for free.
Nope – they came to shut off the electricity. Since you are reading this you can assume we mustered up enough to keep the lights on for a few weeks. We never thought it would come to this…I’m sure the look in our eyes when my husband asked if he was turning us off today if we didn’t pay was priceless.

My husband is really depressed and I’m doing all I can to hold out hope for the both of us. There are promising things for the business on the horizon. But that is such a crap shoot – who really knows. We got a deal but they haven’t signed, they will sign but not until 2009, they are interested but not sure, etc. etc. etc.

We have a large customer who owes us $10,000 and is a multi-billion dollar company – do you think they would pay us on time? Heavens no. 30 days and counting overdue – and they are as liquid as you can imagine. The economy has not touched them at all. So much for the little guy – our measly threats are like mice chirpings.

The $10,000 is not going to us – I wish. Much of it is to pay off another vendor – when we get paid. So sadly that won’t get us out of this problem. It will just get us by for a few more weeks – if that.

We are furiously looking for work but not a single interview. I just don’t understand what we are doing wrong. We really have tried all the avenues. We’ve paid in the past for experts to critique our resumes, we’ve done the cover letter work, networking, etc. Nothing is panning out – not even contract work part-time. Nothing.

I just so wish to have a happy update. To tell all of you – HEY we survived! But it just isn’t happening. This is how desparate I’ve become – I canceled Christmas.

I told my family no gifts back and forth – just pretend we are not here. We just can’t do anything. The kids are going to have to live with what they have – which I’ll be honest is a lot given how well off we were in the past. They are not hurting for toys and what not. So a little time off of Christmas is not going to completely kill them. And they are young enough that I hope they forget all about it one day.

We had our anniversary recently – we obviously didn’t do anything. In fact we weren’t even in the same room – we were both working late into the evening on different things.

The problem with being so poor is the loss of the ability to show appreciation in a form such as flowers, or a small gift, or things like that. I know I know – it is not always required – people just want love. But most people get what I mean. I just wanted to buy a single rose for my husband – but at $5 I simply couldn’t justify it.

I worry far more about our kids and them eating – don’t get me wrong. My priorities are not all screwed up -but when an event like that comes and goes completely without any symbolic gesture – you really do know where your finances stand.

But he loves me, I love him, and we love our kids. In the end I know that is what matters. My husband is from a different country but is a US citizen (moved when he was young) and he keeps wanting to move there. I just am not really into that thought – of giving up all I know. I just get so angry I have to make these decisions. That the US is forcing me out…

I’ve tried to apply for all kinds of things like green stamps, etc. but we do not qualify. In fact we have to pay for our insurance now. It is just strange to not be able to eat some days yet they think we are loaded. Crazy what things look like on paper versus reality.

I’m holding on strong – or at least I think I am. I had a glitch last week when an old boyfriend looked me up. I got a little ditzy thinking about the old times and found myself thinking – can I escape? But reality sank in and I thought – how horrible am I. What did I let those thoughts in? I’m such a wicked person.

I’ve not told anyone until now I even had those thoughts – of course. But I will admit I did – it was a moment of weakness that I’ve never had. Sort of the “Is the grass greener?” – that I never, ever thought I would ever think about. But in this situation I guess when your defenses are down – you do. It was just that – a thought – never verbalized or especially acted on. But I’m a loyal person and it hurts me that I even thought it.

I love my husband through and through – this situation is not our fault. We didn’t create this economy or the bad people who put us here. We have done all we can to get back on our feet and I need to keep the focus there. And I will.

I keep telling myself – soon, honey, soon. Soon it will be over, we’ll look back, write a book or something and it will be the chapter – “The Hard Times”. I can’t wait to close that chapter for good.

This has been a strange few days. My anniversary was this week and unfortunately we didn’t really celebrate it all that much. In fact, even worse than normal, we celebrated in two separate rooms of the house because my husband wanted to watch something else on TV. It was quite lonely to be sitting there on my anniversary solo.

Today I mentioned one thing at lunch and about took my head off. I do not know what did it – I can’t imagine the unbelievable stress is helping. But it keeps happening over and over. He did it later on – told me to “Shut up”. Stormed off when I offered some input on a printing issue – once again, I just thought we were talking normally then suddenly he exploded.

Then I found out the lone employee we have mentioned to a part-time contract person: “I’m not sure why they didn’t shut this place down months ago.” This same individual who I took to a sales meeting yesterday and told to my face how excited he was for our future. The same person I planned to hand this place off to one day. So much for loyalty and people being single faced.

People have warned me that when things get stressful the marriage takes a hit. I guess I just try to be positive but then get kicked in the you-know-where. We are so stinking close to turning a corner – but I wonder if I’ll be saying that a year from now, or 5. Will this “corner” never arrive – or are we truly that close and if I hold on for a couple months we’ll swing around it? No one can say.

All I know is my emotions are gone. I thought I felt better coming off a deal last week. But realizing it won’t last long is disappointing. And getting beat up day and in and day out by my husband, my employees, and others is just adding to the difficulty of managing.

I keep praying a job will come along and the decision gets made for me. But then I know I would never start another business again. That life long dream would be over – but the stress would be too. I don’t know – maybe dreams aren’t all they are cracked up to be. Maybe just being a good employee should be enough. I’m not the lucky kind to get a break and make it big in business.

I keep looking at the books – we are making twice what we made last year. I’m bringing in 70% of that too. But alas, last year we ate through all our savings – 401k included – and that is what kept us going. Not revenue. I guess doubling “not enough” is not enough.

Oh well – I suppose I have no news good or bad. Just this feeling of numbness washing over me as I get clipped by the husband, and knee shot by the employees. Its as if people simply do not appreciate one another any more as a general rule (Not you all of course!!!!).

I’m off for the weekend. Another birthday weekend for one of my kids. Since he is so little we aren’t doing aything hoping he won’t notice. God – I just can’t help but feel like a failure each and everyday. That makes it tough to keep going – especially in the negative air I have to breath.

I do not have words to explain how humbled I am by all those who have reached out to help me. Those who have provided some mental support (thank you!) and those who have stepped forward with financial (thank you too!).

The Godmother to my child stepped forward and gave us the outstanding balance on our mortgage – no interest, and no need to pay it back. I was stunned – and wanted to say “NO way, we are fine!’ so badly. But of course I could not, as I looked into the eyes of my children. I took the money – with about a million thanks yous in return – and promised her a percentage of all the business we get will be put into paying this back.

The business is also turning a corner – which is shocking given the economy. We retrenched, decided where the most lucrative place to focus was, and it is working – so far. I do not want to jinx us, but we landed one of the biggest deals we ever have last week – and were up against multi-billion dollar businesses. A little celebrating in the form of pizza took place (home made of course -  low cost!).

We are certainly not out of the woods. The work could dry up again and we could find ourselves in the same boat. Meeting payroll is getting increasingly difficult but if we can keep landing larger deals, we will survive as will our employees. We also were successful, finally, in selling a few items to make the mortgage for the next month too.

Credit cards and some other bills are taking a back seat – they simply have to. We are working with them as best we can to get the interest rate down and get better plans. So far 99% of them have been really good – CapitalOne is the worst. No budging with them – so we simply can’t pay them. They asked for it in my opinion!

I’m also exploring our options as far as government aid for food and other items. Our lender for our home is Countrywide – at first they were great. But now that I am telling them we have little or no income – they told us “We make so little they have no options for us. ” This from the man in India in their call center.

If we once again face the foreclosure guillotine I will be calling someone in the US, higher up, to make arrangements. According to comments and my own research they HAVE to work with us.

I’m normally not political but I pray we can get real change – I am not an avid fan of either candidate this year – but I do know I can’t take anymore Bush years. That is ALL I know. I went from being successful to barely eeking out a living in the span of 2 years. I’m not alone in that either.

I also apply for jobs all the time. Typically I’m either over or under qualified – mostly over. I can’t get them to understand that I will tow the line, not try to upset the apple cart, will be an unbelievable worker, if they would just let me do the job to pay my mortgage. I’m not picky – I don’t need to be the CEO! I just want to pay bills and help my family feel secure. I guess there are other more qualified candidates that probably are in the same boat that don’t have to do that convincing. Often times I’m doing it in a cover letter and I have yet to actually get an interview because of that. I never can just talk to the person and explain my situation – they assume in a few months I’ll be on to bigger and better things.

I would not – I would treasure them taking the risk in putting me in a lower level position than my resume dictates (which does NOT matter to me of course) – and would not jeopardize their trust. I was born on that “work ethic” so few have today – it is ingrained in me! If your employer is good to you – you are good to your employer.

But alas, I’m not sure that is how it works anymore. There are too many ‘perfect’ candidates to choose from now that thousands have lost their jobs at these banks and financial institutions. The glutted market is killer.

I’m in better spirits – I’m not sure my life is actually better – but for now we saved the house at least until November. I’m not sure what will become of my employee – but first things first. I can’t lose my life over an employee – I certainly would not expect anyone to do that for me.

THANK YOU everyone – your support, advice and simple “hey, I’m thinking of you” did the trick. I realized I’m worth a lot – and I am going to prove to my children every day how to get through tough times. Stand up, push ahead and the worse that can happen is we live in a state funded hotel. I’ll still have my beautiful kids and husband right there will be me laughing at how we ever got there!!

Life is simply too short to cry all the time.